Seeing pain in a new light

When stepping out from a dark room, into a bright sunlight day, our eyes can be blinded for a few seconds as the sharp bright light hits the sensory nerve ends. Slowly but surely, as long as we don’t retreat back into the gloom, our eyes adjust and the world becomes clear and colourful.

Pain, whether emotional or physical, is very similar to that experience of sharp blindness one feels before seeing more clearly. It is an indicator or signal letting us know of a change in perception; that there is something to learn, something to see more clearly. As a simple example, we learn quite quickly that touching a flame is not a good idea. Similarly feeling hurt at somebody’s rejection can bring to light any issues we might have by examining what that rejection means to us and where it stems from.

Most people know the saying ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and most can find examples of where this is most definitively true. However, that saying, although contains a good message, still has negative connotations. Indeed it points to some ‘good’ coming from some ‘bad’. Seeing things in this way, will continually cause us pain just as if we were to keep flitting between stepping into the dark room and out into the sunlight. No experience is ever inherently ‘bad’ or ‘good’ – it only is depending on the context or story we put on to it. Similarly pain is not in itself something bad or to be feared. It is to be respected – causing or deepening pain is harmful – and not ignored. Pain, emotions and physical reactions are our building blocks for learning and interpreting the outside world as well as our inside world.

I find it quite helpful when I’m hurt to ask myself what it is I need to learn. Doesn’t mean to say I enjoy the experience but I do find that it doesn’t hurt quite so much anymore and I end up feeling much more positive. After all, I much prefer seeing clearly in the vivid sunlight than sitting in a gloomy room.

Slowly and carefully build strong foundations to stand alone

Sometimes it is easier to launch ourselves into things rather than work slowly to get to where we want to be. However, in doing so, the foundation is a lot less stable because it lacks strength and needs continual assistance.

Attempting headstand is a good example of this. I tend to launch myself up the wall to get into the pose. Trying to come into it slowly and without the wall requires a lot more strength and hard work. As another example, to acquire something we desire but is too expensive, we could take out a loan and purchase it straight away or we could slowy build up the capital by saving money each month. Once again this is much harder, taking time and requiring short term sacrifice.

We live in a society that wants instant gratification and does not like to work hard to achieve what we could easily. But as in the two examples above, the easy way is not stable and it does not allow us to stand alone. This may seem ok if circumstances always are favourable; but what happens when they are not?

Furthermore, in such pursuits we forget that it is not the end goal that really matters. Do we really need to get into a full headstand or do we really need that particular item we wish to purchase now? If we think yes, would we feel the same in 20 years or if circumstances were different? What use are these achievements really?

What is far more important than the end goal, is the development of inner strength and stability to be able to stand alone – centered and unwavering in the face of adversity.

To truely relax we need to be able to trust

Relaxation. What comes to mind when we think about that word? Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine or beer, enjoying a short time of peace? Or doing some hobby or sport or socialising? But in these instances, are we truly relaxed? Relaxation means letting go of all tension from the body and mind. I would say that most of the time, when we say we are relaxing, we still are holding tension. Stop and feel our bodies and we will fing some muscle gripping, most often the sholders. Stop and examine our thoughts and its likely that we are worrying, planning or ruminating.

True relaxation is actually difficult for many of us because it is about trust. Trust that everything in this moment is exactly as it should be. Trust in ourselves, in others and in the wider picture. Whatever needs to get done, will get done. But for now in this moment of relaxation, we can let go. Associated with trust is love, which is also difficult for many of us especially love for ourself.

Tension creates fear and fear creates tension. What is it that we fear? Why do we tense up in the need to be in control? We possess the power to be in control of ourselves but we can’t control events. When we accept that, we can start to let go of fear and tension.
When we learn to let go of tension and learn to trust, can we fully relax. Relaxation is a powerful state because, when free from tension and fear we can let the mind and body work efficiently and optimally. Many of us have experienced how we sometimes get ill at the start of holidays when we finally slow down. This is our bodies way of clearing out the accumulated tension. It is not sod’s law or bady luck; it just shows us that we have not taken care of ourselves and the body was working in over drive. Therefore when given time to let go, it can finally start working optimally again; but first it needs to rid itself of tension.

Relaxation is also the prerequisite to quietening the mind and finding ourselves. And in that state we can truely be. It is therefore not “something to do” when we have the time. It is essential to our life and basis for being happy. Our breathing can help us greatly here because of the connection between breath and our nervous state. holding our breath and shallow breathing can heighten tension just as deep slow breath helps to release it and induce calm. So with every out breath let go of tension and fear and with every in breath let in trust and love.

Need time out? Time to step back in and marvel.

At some point everything feels like it becomes too hard. Life becomes a struggle and we wear ourselves out. Whether strive for personal development or commitment to others (work, family, friends, etc.) drains us out, the end result is the same: we become unhappy, we tense up to the ensuing emotional or physical pain and we become unwell.

Holidays are generally the agreed way to restore our balance, to take us out of life and selves for a period of time. Whether these are trips to far flung countries or simply pretending to be someone else for the day. A change of scene does work wonders sometimes but all too often “reality” sets back in.

If instead of taking time out of our life, we simply stopped and stepped back into life right now in this moment, we would no longer feel that separation between us and the world; between reality and fantasy. Just stopping to feel the grass under our feet, to listen to the intricate bird song, to focus on a lady bird feeling its way across our finger or on the detail of a flower, brings wonder back into the here and now. To me it brings me back to the feeling of being a four year old contently marvelling at the sky blue forget-me-knots growing in between the flagstones.

Marvelling at the world brings us back onto earth and makes us feel alive. It’s usually the reason why a holiday feels good or why looking at amazing pictures of the world can create joy. But we do not need to go on expensive holidays or be immersed in nature programmes; all we need to do is step into the moment, and marvel. Anything in the moment that we want to marvel at will do: a single flower, a drop running down the window, or even just simply our in and out breath.

Getting around mind games

So we are told that to find peace and happiness,  we need to clear our minds, see things for what they are, see the truth without any colouring our minds might put to things, and let our inner selves shine. Sounds so simple before one start to realise that the mind is like a 2 year old child that unchecked causes havoc; and before you know it, you are either chasing around like a wild goose, engaging in whatever game it has decided or have lost the plot sitting on the floor in floods of tears.

Tackling the ever flowing river of thoughts and either letting them go or dealing with them is one mind process that can be helped with mindfulness, thought challenging (famously used in cognitive behavioural therapy) or other strategies.   

Having thought I had just about managed to get the hang of this one, did I discover another game our minds like to play. A game akin to those boxes where you have to fit the right shapes through the holes. Any shape that does not fit the hole is either discarded or gets crushed to fit in the hole. This is the game of perception, i.e. how our minds collects, processes and interprets information, to fit whatever framework it has constructed over the years from snatches of experiences.

So how do we get round this game? It starts by consciously examining our perceptions and looking at how others perceive to begin to understand ourselves; trying out new things and evaluating so as to slowly pull the box apart so that all shapes can filter in as they are.

Although working with our minds can feel as frustrating as working out new computer software that contains lots of bugs (where is that software developer? I would like an upgrade please!), it is actually quite fun too when we realise that once we’ve learned a few skills, we can make it work for us in any way we want. Moreover, like a 2 year old child, it can be endearing and watching it grow is highly fulfilling.

We are fully responsible for ourselves: there are no barriers.

What if I said that there is a solution to everything? That nothing is fixed; that we can change anything about ourselves; and that we are never helpless. I think many of us would agree that may be true for something but not others. What things come to mind and why would these be different?

I think we can feel helpless when it comes to certain aspects of ourselves. Thoughts of  “I will always/never be…”’, “the problem is I grew up in such and such a way and now I see things this way”, “I will always be angry at/when…”, etc. When we voice these thoughts, it can feel like there is a wall stopping us and nothing can/will ever change. On the other hand most of us would agree that we would not think “I will never be fit” because we know that if we did a bit of exercise and keep healthy, fitness of a certain degree is in our control. So why would we think for example, “I will always be a worrier” and that this is out of our control?

With these situations, it’s just that we often don’t know the tools to helps us change and may be unwilling to take the time to change. Just as getting fit requires us to exercise (and know what kind to do) and takes time, so does making changes for other aspects of ourselves. The first tool we need is to be aware; aware of our thoughts; aware of our feelings and emotions; aware of the outside world’s feedback. Once we have noticed, we can start to find the right tools to make the changes we want.

However, we do need to remain realistic about what can change and sometimes what we think we want to change is not what our focus should be on. As an example, I will never be tall (putting on high heels do not really count!) but I can change my perspective on how I think about height and be content with my current height. So in any situation something can change.

We are never helpless. We are in charge of ourselves, so let’s start being responsible. Let’s keep what serves and change what doesn’t. Why not be happy? It is within our control.

Inaction stifles life, whilst action breathes us into life.

How many times when faced with a (tricky) situation do we avoid making any decision and ignore it? I think we all at some point or another either do not face a situation or make no decision.

There are two main reasons why this happens. First is ignorance. We sometimes fail to realise that there is a situation that needs to be faced. When this happens our lives can start to feel out of control, we feel that things just happen to us, that others are at fault, etc. In these moments, if we stepped back we can see that we are ignorant of something we need to do and are not.  

Second is fear. Often, we fear making the wrong decision, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. We fear that change will occur and it will not be for the best. It can feel even worse when others than ourselves are involved, especially those close to our heart. But doing nothing, leaving the situation will only make matters worse for both parties. I did a first aid course today, and the first principles are to a) not leave the person until they are safe and b) to try your best to help them (without putting yourself in danger) even if it does not work out. Of course one needs to have the basic skills to help someone, but there is nothing stopping us to learn or to do the best we can even if that involves asking others for help.

Doing something rather than nothing is always the best policy. Any situation that arises needs to be faced. If it is not faced the residue of avoidance will linger and fester. Being responsible for our actions, even if they do not seem to work out, is more freeing than sitting on the fence. Indeed when on the fence we are immobile and can only risk falling. If we place ourselves on a side, we can move freely and change sides if necessary. Of course making the decision to do nothing is an option. What is needed is a conscious intention.  

The world works through intention. Making decisions, following through with action moves us through life. We need not fear making mistakes because as long as we intend and act we can always change direction. It is only when we avoid and stagnate that things go wrong. Indeed stale air stifles life, whilst flowing air brings life.

Learning to become Houdini (the greatest magician) to set the soul free

Sometimes it feels like we are loaded with chains, shackled or imprisoned. Mostly these chains and prisons are of our own doing, be they ways of thinking or behaviours. In fact, our whole essence or soul can be seen as imprisoned with the ego as our chains. Our identities, our prides, our fears, all shackle our soul. And it takes a life time to realise what these shackles are and learn to escape. It’s a bit like an escapologist/illusionist/magician learning his trade. Covering himself with chains he learns to find ways of releasing himself. And like in any good magician stunt, the trick is in seeing the illusion. These chains or prisons are self imposed and although seemingly fixed are not. After all we put them there; and therefore we have the solution to getting free. Looking closer we may then see that we are just holding on to these chains and the walls are not solid: we just need to let go and step free.

Sometimes I wonder, just like a magician learning his trade, is this supposed to be fun? I guess it is.